(4/5) Our Desperate Hope

His Divine Grace
Srila Bhakti Nirmal Acharya Maharaj,
Sri Nabadwip Dham, 1 April 2010, part 4

How much affection and love Gurudev had for his Guru Maharaj! Five years ago, I went for some treatment to Chennai. Before going there, I asked Gurudev, 'Where shall I stay in Chennai? At Gaudiya Math?' (There is one Gaudiya Math in Chennai, so I thought I should stay there.) Gurudev said, 'No! You are not to stay in Gaudiya Math! You must stay in a hotel.' I asked, 'Why, Gurudev? Why should I stay in a hotel?' Gurudev explained, 'Because my Guru Maharaj carried bricks on his own head(!) making that Madras Gaudiya Math! He made that temple, but they ousted him from there. That is why I cannot tolerate it that you will go and stay there. My Guru Maharaj was ousted from that temple, then how will you stay there? Not necessary! I have money, so I will give you money, and you will stay in a hotel.' Gurudev could not tolerate such things. If something bad happened in relation to his Guru Maharaj, he could not tolerate it at all.

I asked Gurudev many times, 'Gurudev, can I make a temple in Mayapur?' And Gurudev said, 'No. They ousted my Guru Maharaj from Mayapur, then why will we make a temple there? What for? This is the will of Prabhupad – Prabhupad sent Srila Sridhar Maharaj to make a temple here in Koladwip, so we can preach here in Koladwip, on the bank of the Ganges.' This temple here also actually stands on the bank of the Ganges. You could see that when we started digging Gurudev's samadhi, there was only sand in the soil. There were only six‒seven feet of soil, and after that it was all sand – it means that there was a bank of the Ganges here before. So, we are actually fortunate to be here.

Our only bad fortune is that Gurudev has left... But his mercy is above us. He is showering his mercy on all of us. That is our hope. We must follow his line, follow his instruction, then his mercy will easily come to us. That is our hope. I have told you many times that we are all in one boat, in the same boat, and Gurudev is the captain of that boat (he is driving this boat): if we can stay in this same boat, then we can easily reach wherever this boat is going. The problem is that we think that this body is moving very slowly, so we start thinking that we want a faster boat. You think that another boat is going fast, but that boat may stop in Gaya and Kashi (it may not proceed to Goloka or Vrindavan), or that boat may get a hole on the way and sink. We must follow our guru's instruction...

Gurudev told me many times that it is necessary to be a sincere seeker and it is necessary to have chastity. Everybody is a sincere seeker, but it is very rare to see chastity in anyone. Gurudev believed his Guru Maharaj from the very beginning, and he showed it when he was taking prasadam one day. When Gurudev first came to the temple, Srila Sridhar Maharaj advised him, 'Follow me; do not follow your mind.' After that, Gurudev was taking prasadam, and there were some insects in the prasadam. Gurudev ate it. Srila Sridhar Maharaj asked him later, 'Why did you eat that dal with insects?' Gurudev replied, 'Because you told me not to follow my mind; you told me to follow you.' From that day, Srila Sridhar Maharaj understood that this boy would be a good boy one day. At some point some obstacle came, but anyhow Gurudev did become that good boy one day.

We can see now how much mercy Gurudev is giving us. Where were we and where are we now? He has brought us all to this line... In my own life, I could never imagine that I would come and join this temple and that I would hold the flag of Chaitanya Saraswat Math. I had never thought of this.

When Gurudev wanted to give me sannyas, I remember that he and I were at the house of Rama Didi (Srila Sridhar Maharaj's sister). Gurudev asked me first, jokingly, 'Will you get married?' I said, 'WHAT??' I was shocked, and 'shocked' means I became very afraid. I told Gurudev, 'No. I did not come here to get married.' And Gurudev said, 'Then what? You can take sannyas!' I ran away. When Gurudev spoke about me taking sannyas, I ran away. Later Gurudev asked me, 'Why did you run away?' I said, 'Gurudev, please give me time. I will give my answer later, after twenty-four hours.' It was a rule at the temple that I had to come to his veranda every morning and evening. During the next day, I went to his veranda, paid my dandavat and immediately left – I did not sit or stay at the veranda because I knew that if I had stayed, I would have had to give the answer. In this way, twenty-four hours passed, forty-eight hours passed. Then, Gurudev came to Rama Didi's house again. I was with him. He asked me, 'Forty-eight hours are already gone, and you are not giving me the answer.' I said, 'Gurudev, please give me another twenty-four hours.' And I left again. Three days passed. Gurudev asked me again, 'Three days are gone and you are not answering!' Then, I said finally, 'Yes, Gurudev... I am your goat, so you can cut my head or tail at any time, I do not mind it. I agree. I am not qualified to take sannyas, but if you think that I am qualified, then I can take it. But I must say that I do not want to be an acharya.' Gurudev said, 'This is later! You do not need to think about it now. We will think about that later.' That was 1999. At that time, I could not even think that I would end up holding Chaitanya Saraswat Math's flag. I never thought about it. When I came to the temple, I only came to see the domes – when I walked up to the temple, I sat by the gate all day, from morning until evening, and then I stayed at the temple. From that day in 1992 until 1999, when I took sannyas, I never left the temple – I did not spend even one night anywhere outside the temple. I would work the whole day, sometimes going to Dum Dum Park and other places, but I would always come back and sleep here in Nabadwip. I never spent a single night outside Chaitanya Saraswat Math from 1992 to 1999. After I took sannyas, Gurudev sent me for preaching and collection to various villages, so I started staying outside sometimes, and Gurudev was happy with that.

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Length: 40 min
Language: English

READ OTHER PARTS:

1) Gurudev's Early Days at the Temple
2) Gurudev's Love for the Temple
3) Gurudev's Love and Affection
4) Our Desperate Hope
5) Our Hopeful Determination