My Grief

His Divine Grace Om Vishnupad
Srila Bhakti Nirmal Acharya Maharaj
Sri Nabadwip Dham, translated from Bengali
22 March 2016

Today, by the mercy of Sri Gurupadpadma, by the mercy of Gaura Hari, you have successfully, beautifully and without any obstacles completed Sri Nabadwip Dham parikrama. Every year we do this parikrama and this year two thousand people have completed Dham parikrama. Without the mercy of the Guru, of the Dham, of the Dham basi, of Vaishnavs, Dhameshwar Mahaprabhu's mercy, Nityananda Prabhu's mercy, you cannot complete this parikrama. Not everyone can do the parikrama. Always remember this.

Today is the adhivas day (eve) of the appearance of Gaura. It is a very happy, joyful day, but at the same time it is also a sorrowful day. Why?

You have done this parikrama with Vyasadev Goswami, Sukadev Goswami, Brahma, Siva, and others—along with all the devotees, with Gaura Hari (the Golden Lord), Nityananda Prabhu, with Gurupadpadma, with Vaishnavs, with so many demigods—but no one can understand this, and we too cannot understand this. How many demigods and demigoddesses come from Svaraga-loka (heaven) to do this parikrama—Brahma comes from Brahma-loka, Siva comes from Siva-loka, Vyasadev Goswami, Sukadev Goswami, and so on. They all come to do this parikrama, they come to circumambulate the land of the pastimes of the Lord(!), but we cannot understand this, we cannot see it with the common eyes.

The saddest thing about it is that you do this Dham parikrama and you think, "When am I going back?" Many people have left parikrama without finishing it—they had done three days of the parikrama and today, when only one day was left, they went back home...

After Nabadwip Dham parikrama, after Jagannath Mishra's ananda mahotsav, Prabhupad would always say, "You are going to cross the Ganges and go back to the illusory world." Prabhupad felt so much pain. You must understand that he is a real, bona fide Guru. On the day when everybody was leaving, everybody wanted to see Prabhupad before going, give him obeisances, say they were leaving, but Prabhupad was nowhere to be seen—he was sitting behind a door, hiding and crying.

Everybody started looking for him, "Where has Prabhupad gone?" He was not in his room, but somebody noticed his bathroom door was open, and they found him sitting behind that door—he was crying in so much sorrow. They brought him into the room, seated him on a chair, and Prabhupad said, "One day you have come here and done the Dham parikrama, and I have entered into a relationship with you, but you forget it. You have become a member of Krishna's family, but you are again going back to the illusory world—falling into the bondage of maya. We send devotees door to door to bring you from this material world and make you a member of Krishna's family, but you are again going to this material world, forgetting the Lord, forgetting me. You have a relationship with me, but you will forget this relationship!"

This connection is life after life. In this world father, mother, brother, sister, all this connection is a two-day connection, but when you enter a relationship with your Guru, this connection is life after life. Those who cannot understand it, cannot be a real Guru, cannot be a real disciple. You must always remember this and must know, must understand this relationship. We cannot understand or know it with our material vision.

Srila Sridhar Dev-Goswami Maharaj also said that people come to do the parikrama, and they go back home, but how painful it is that the people leave that relationship with Prabhupad! Then, you can realise what Prabhupad said, what intimate, internal words (antaranga sambadha) these are. Common people cannot understand this—they do not understand this connection. This is what is called viraha, separation...

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Other parts:
• My Grief
• Who Will Understand This?
• Adopting the Process
• Exclusive Line—Exclusive Dedication