The Worst Day

His Divine Grace Om Vishnupad
Srila Bhakti Nirmal Acharya Maharaj
Disappearance festival, Tarakeshwar, noon
16 April 2019, part 1, translated from Bengali

Today is the tirobhav maha-mahotsav (grand festival in honour of the disappearance) of my Gurudev. Every year this day falls on dvadasi, today is also dvadasi, but this time the ekadasi fasting fell on today's day because yesterday was viddha (overlapping of lunar days).

মূকং করোতি বাচালং পঙ্গুং লঙ্ঘয়তে গিরিম্ ।
যৎকৃপা তমহং বন্দে শ্রীগুরুং দীনতারণম্ ॥

mukam karoti vachalam pangum langhayate girim
yat krpa tam aham vande sri-gurum dina-taranam

"The dumb can speak, the lame can climb a hill—all it takes is mercy from Gurudev."

(Bhavartha Dipika)

"With Gurudev's mercy, a dumb person can speak, a lame person can climb a mountain." First, I am offering my full obeisance onto the lotus feet of my Gurupadpadma Om Vishnupad Srila Bhakti Sundar Govinda Dev-Goswami Maharaj begging him for his causeless mercy, then I am offering obeisance to all Guru-varga, to all godbrothers and sisters and the devotees and all those present here asking you all for your mercy onto this poor soul.

Today, my Gurupadpadma Om Vishnupad Srila Bhakti Sundar Govinda Dev-Goswami Maharaj's tenth [Indian calculation] disappearance festival, tirobhav-tithi. I had never thought that this day when Gurudev leaves would come in my life one day. I always only tried to do what Gurudev told me to do, and only he knows how much of it I have been able to do...

After Sri Gurupadpadma declared my name on 4 December 2009, he became very worried, and I understood it that time. A few days after that I went to Australia with Srila Ashram Maharaj. When I was there, Gurudev phoned me. I had some programme planned for Malaysia, and my plane to Malaysia was that day in the evening. Gurudev called me and said that if I could return quicker, in seven instead of fifteen days, it would be good because there was some problem. I called Santosh Prabhu, who was in Nabadwip at that time, managing the temple while I was away. I asked him what had happened, and he told me that after some letter had come to Gurudev, he was showing the pastime of sickness. I came back from abroad, took a car to Nabadwip directly from the airport and went straight to Gurudev. On the way, I spoke to him a few times on the phone. When I came, Gurudev was lying down, resting. I came in and quickly paid my dandavat to him from far. He was lying down at his veranda (not in the room). He called me to come closer. When I came to him, he caught my hand and said, "Read this letter." I read it. He said, "Anugatya (chaste adherence to the guru) has left this world. I want to ask you something. Will you run away?" I gave my word to Gurudev that I would never leave his mission, no matter what happens. After that, you know what problems have happened.

Then, there was Nabadwip Dham parikrama that year. There were some problems at that time also. Some days later, on 25 March, Gurudev called me early in the morning. I was in the bathroom when the phone rang (it was about 3 a.m.), and when I answered the call, Gurudev told me to come the same day. I came quickly to Kolkata from Nabadwip, and Gurudev spoke to me. At that time, I already had a bus ready to go for preaching in Midnapore starting from 27 March, everything was arranged for the programmes. I stayed in Kolkata on 25 March, but I had to go for preaching soon, so I returned to Nabadwip. In the evening, Guru Maharaj's secretary Mahananda Prabhu called me and said Gurudev wanted to speak to me, I spoke to Gurudev till late at night and went to bed (Gurudev said he was going to take rest and told me to go to bed too). Then, again at 4-5 o'clock the next morning (26 March, Ekadasi), he called me saying, "Maharaj, Gurudev is calling you." So, I again went to Kolkata and spoke with Gurudev. I spend there the whole morning sitting with Gurudev. Then, it was noon, so I took some ekadasi prasadam. I had to go for preaching the next day, but Gurudev did not tell me anything. In the afternoon, I told Gurudev I was going to go—Gurudev asked me, "Where?" I said, "To Nabadwip." "Nabadwip? I will also go there! Will you take me too?" I said, "You are not well, and the doctors are all here." Gurudev replied, "OK, then you can go, but you must come to take me there tomorrow." I could not even conceive what Gurudev meant. The night passed, I woke up in the morning, took shower and got ready to go to Midnapore by bus, then a phone call came to me saying, "You must come immediately." I understood that something had happened. Then, I took a car and came again. When I came, I saw what had happened...

There is some relation with Gurudev, there is love in this relation. When I first came to the temple, Gurudev was not there, and I always remember one thing—I have never asked Gurudev for anything. I have never wanted to become a guru or an acharya, I never wanted to be a sannyasi, I never even asked Gurudev to give me second initiation. One day, I went to the crops field for the cultivation, and when came back with my legs full of mud after the field, one servitor came to me and said, "Gurudev is calling you." I did not even get time to wash my feet—I went to Gurudev, and Gurudev told me, "Why are your legs so dirty? Do you not know that today is your second initiation?" I did not know anything. What was I to do? I sat there with my legs full of mud. And you all know how I took sannyas in 1999. This Gurudev has left my life... He extremely dear to me, he is the dearest personality in my life, my closest, my 'most own' person—and I lost him on this day...

Anyhow, I took the transcendental body of Gurudev to Nabadwip in an ambulance. I gave the news to some people from TV and radio, all devotees came, all sannyasis and brahmacharis came from Mayapur also. My favourite mango tree where Gurudev's samadhi is now also left its body on that day, it dried out—we took the tree out, dug out the grave and placed Gurudev's body there. They told me that I had come down into the samadhi of Gurudev and forced me to do it. I had to place the tilaks on the body of Gurudev. I was scared to do it, but I was unconscious, I had no sense—I just did what I was told to do.

In this way, all of a sudden Gurudev left this world, and it produces a burning agony of separation... I always want to forget this day, but I know that my godbrothers will come for this festival, devotees will come, and if I do not arrange for their prasadam, if I do not arrange a festival, they will be upset and say, "Oh, Maharaj does not make a festival for Gurudev!" I want to forget this day by seeing you all, by engaging myself in Hari-kirtan with you all. I always want to forget this day because this is my worst day.

Still, Gurudev is always with me, he always helps me, I always feel it. Out of worry for the Math, I became sick and got into hospital. The doctors, and I also, thought that I would leave my body, but Gurudev's desire was that by his mercy I got life again. I thought that there was still something Gurudev wanted to do through me...

Whatever came to me—whether Gurudev chastised me, whether he beat me, I took everything as a blessing. One day, I remember I was collecting potato in Tarakeshwar area, and Gurudev sent me news that I had to come to Kolkata. I went there straight from Tarakeshwar. At that time, Nabadwip Dham parikrama had not happened yet and Gurudev asked me, "Do you have money?" I said, "Not necessary! I am collecting for Nabadwip Dham parikrama, what would I need money for?" I did not know that Gurudev was thinking about future, I could not understand it. When I told Gurudev, "No, not necessary," he kicked with his leg. Later, I understood why he did it. I remember every word Gurudev told me, every his instruction. I can understand now how much Gurudev loved me. He would often become grave with me, sometimes he would say, "Get out!", sometimes "Go away!"—I have heard it many times, but I never left him. Gurudev saw this quality in me—he saw that that no matter what he said to me, no matter what he did, I never left him. I never behaved like a prostitute with him—today I take shelter in one person, and tomorrow I will go to another person, like a prostitute who goes to other people when she is not satisfied with somebody. I never did this.

— : • : —

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