Unthinkable Situation

His Divine Grace Om Vishnupad
Srila Bhakti Nirmal Acharya Maharaj
Srila B.S. Govinda Dev-Goswami Maharaj's tirobhav-tithi
Kolkata-Worldwide, 5 April 2020, part 1

Today is our Gurudev's disappearance tithi. Actually, never in my life did I expect that this day could come—I never hoped this day would come in my life. In Gurudev's time, I never thought that he could leave our sight, that he could leave his body. Such thoughts had never came to my mind before this day happened. This day is very painful for me, and when this tithi is coming, I always try to stay alone, but Gurudev gave me some service, then how can I reject that service? He gave me this service of taking care of you all, all the devotees all over the world, in this country and other countries also, then how can I be cruel and stay alone? How can I go to the forest or Vrindavan or anywhere else and stay alone? When this moment comes to me, I feel very sad, but when I think that Gurudev has given me this service, then I think that no matter what I must do this service in any situation.

I promised this to my Guru when I came back from Australia. At that time, this situation was starting slowly, slowly, and Gurudev was very sad about it, he felt much pain in his heart because of it. When I came back, Gurudev caught hold of my hand and asked me, "Will you not run away? So many problems will come after me, but if you run away, then who will take care of this mission? Who will take care of these devotees?" At that time I promised my Gurudev, "Gurudev, any position, any problem, any situation can come, but I will not run away from it." You all know what a difficult situation has come since then and is still continuing. This situation is intolerable.

Also, Gurudev believed some of his friends, and when he is in hospital, he told all his friends what he wanted, and I think they all know everybody about this situation—they all know what Gurudev wanted to say, what Gurudev told. After Gurudev's demise, after Gurudev disappeared, almost all of them forgot about it because they think, "Gurudev disappeared now, so if I do not follow his instruction, who will see that?" But I know my Guru—I have this kind of faith that he can see everything. After Gurudev's demise, everybody's svarup—all external and all internal things—come out and so many of them have become gurus. I do not have any problem with that, but the only problem that gives me pain is that those whom Gurudev believed have betrayed Gurudev. They are preaching everywhere about Srila Bhakti Sundar Govinda Maharaj, saying, "I am dear to him," "I am near to him," "I am very close to him," "I am his dearmost person," etc. They tell so many things, but I do not preach everywhere saying, "I am his dearmost disciple." I have never wanted to be a guru, and I still do think that I am a guru—I do not even think that I am his proper disciple yet.

It was ekadasi yesterday. I remember the day before Gurudev left, on that ekadasi afternoon, he called me. I could not understand it that time. He kicked me saying, "Can you still not understand?!" I could not understand what he wanted to show me—I could not understand that he would leave the next day early in the morning. I did not know it. When I came that afternoon, Gurudev was lying down and I was near him. Suddenly he kicked his feet because I had told him that I was leaving—I was going back to Nabadwip. He did not want me to go, but I could not understand it. Then, he said, "OK, go, but you will come tomorrow to take me to Nabadwip." Even then I did not understand it.

All my life, I have only been trying to follow his instruction, and I did not think about anything else. There were so many technical things that had to be done (his will had to be registered, etc.), but I did not do anything because I did not think about Gurudev's wealth, property, temple, etc. When he suddenly declared my name in the nat-mandir on 4 December 2009, I was surprised. There were three and a half months from December to 27 March, it was a long time, but I did not do what had to be done legally. I was doing what Gurudev told me to do. I went for preaching, I was busy with many things. One day, Gurudev said to me, "You are taking care of the buildings, of the temple, of everything else but you have not taken care about me!" I asked Gurudev what he meant. He said, "After I declared your name, they have started showing their desires and their mood which are very different from what they were before." I was astonished to hear it. Gurudev told me everything when I came back from Australia. He said, "From the time I gave you sannyas, they have wanted to kill you and from that time they have been slowly, slowly sharpening their knife to kill you, but you cannot see it!" This is how Gurudev put it. It was the truth—I did not see it. I was busy with my service and I did not see what anyone was doing hidingly inside. I do not know any politics, and I do not want to enter politics, so I did not know anything. Now I am beginning to understand what Gurudev was saying...

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