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My Joy and My Plight

By His Divine Grace
Srila Bhakti Nirmal Acharya Maharaj,
Sri Vyasa Puja day, Sri Nabadwip Dham
8 October 2010, part 1


মূকং করোতি বাচালং পঙ্গুং লঙ্ঘয়তে গিরিম্ ।
যৎকৃপা তমহং বন্দে শ্রীগুরুং দীনতারণম্ ॥

mukam karoti vachalam pangum langhayate girim
yat krpa tam aham vande sri-gurum dina-taranam

"The dumb can speak, the lame can climb a hill—all it takes is mercy from Gurudev."

(Bhavartha Dipika)

ওঁ অজ্ঞানতিমিরান্ধস্য জ্ঞানাঞ্জনশলাকয়া ।
চক্ষুরুন্মিলিতং যেন তস্মৈ শ্রীগুরবে নমঃ ॥

om ajnana-timirandhasya jnananjana-salakaya
chaksur unmilitam yena tasmai sri-gurave namah

I offer my obeisance unto Sri Gurudev, who has opened my eyes, which were blinded by the darkness of ignorance, with the salve of divine knowledge.

গুর্ব্বাভীষ্টসুপূরকং গুরুগণৈরাশীষসংভূষিতং
চিন্ত্যাচিন্ত্যসমস্তবেদনিপুণং শ্রীরূপপন্থানুগম্ ।
গোবিন্দাভিধমুজ্জ্বলং বরতনুং ভক্ত্যন্বিতং সুন্দরং
বন্দে বিশ্বগুরুঞ্চ দিব্যভগবৎ-প্রম্­ণো হি বীজপ্রদম্ ॥

gurvvabhista-supurakam guru-ganair asisa-sambhusitam
chintyachintya-samasta-veda-nipunam sri-rupa-panthanugam
govindabhidham ujjvalam vara-tanum bhakty anvitam-sundaram
vande visva-gurun cha divya-bhagavat-premno hi bija-pradam

I offer my obeisance unto he who perfectly fulfils his Gurudev's most cherished desires; who is fully adorned with the blessings of his Gurudev’s associates; who is expert in all aspects of Vedic knowledge, both conceivable and inconceivable; who is the pre-eminent follower of Srila Rupa Goswami Prabhu's line; who is known as 'Govinda'—Srila Bhakti Sundar Govinda Dev-Goswami Maharaj; whose beautiful, effulgent, exalted form is infused with pure devotion; who is the Guru of the entire universe; and who is the giver of the seed of divine love for the Supreme Lord.

দেবং দেব্যতনুং সুছন্দবদনং বালার্কচেলাঞ্চিতং
সান্দ্রানন্দপুরং সদেকবরণং বৈরাগ্য-বিদ্যাম্বুধিম্ ।
শ্রীসিদ্ধান্তনিধিং সুভক্তিলসিতং সারস্বতানাম্বরং
বন্দে তং শুভদং মদেকশরণং ন্যাসীশ্বরং শ্রীধরম্ ॥

devam divya-tanum suchanda-vadanam balarka-chelanchitam
sandrananda-puram sad-eka-varanam vairagya-vidyambudhim
sri-siddhanta-nidhim subhakti-lasitam sarasvatanam varam
vande tam subhadam mad-eka-saranam nyasisvaram sridharam

I offer my obeisance unto my lord, Srila Bhakti Raksak Sridhar Dev-Goswami Maharaj, whose speech is most pleasing; whose divine form is adorned with garments the colour of the newly-risen sun; who is an abode of intense, ecstatic devotion; who is the sadhus' sole choice; who is an ocean of renunciation and knowledge; who is a treasure-house of perfect conclusions; who is resplendent with pure devotion; who is the best of Srila Saraswati Thakur's followers; who is the giver of all good; who is the leading general of the tridandi-sannyasis; and who is my sole shelter.

Today I have got this special opportunity to do Guru-puja—to worship my Gurudev, to serve my Gurudev. This is a very fortunate day. I had never thought of it, had never tried towards this. I am always praying for mercy—I am always praying for the mercy of all the devotees. I have received so many phone calls today from many countries—I have got the mercy of all these devotees because Gurudev made me sit in this chair.

I was just telling Sripad Bhakti Sudhir Goswami Maharaj yesterday that I have never wanted this—that I would sit in one place and everybody would come, pay obeisance to me. Never. I want to go and chant and dance everywhere, preach in the villages—this is my life. I had never thought I would become a guru, I have never wanted it. It is impossible for me, it is actually an austerity for me, but I have to keep Gurudev's word. Gurudev ordered me, "You must hold this position, you must sit in this chair!" What Gurudev said last year in December, on his Vyasa Puja, never crossed my mind for even one moment. Even when I was taking second initiation, I did not know anything:

One day, I came from the crops field and, even though I had so much mud on my legs, I went to Gurudev to pay dandavat to him. My rule was that wherever I would come from, I did not care whether my clothes were dirty or my feet were in mud, I would immediately go to see Gurudev. So, one day I came like this to Gurudev, and Gurudev asked me, "You have come to me full of mud but today is your second initiation day! Do you not know it?" I said, "No, I do not know about it." Then Gurudev said, "Today is your second initiation day!"

This is my nature. I had never thought I would be sitting here like this today. I always thought I would do some service, following Gurudev's order, and Gurudev would always sit in his chair, give me an order and I would always follow it. I had never thought I would be a guru—that I would sit in one place like this and people would be coming to me. I had never wanted this position, but Gurudev said, "You must hold this position, you must sit in this chair," then I have to serve the devotees for my Gurudev...

You know everything. You know that Param Guru Maharaj (Srila B.R. Sridhar Dev-Goswami Maharaj) also did not want that kind of position—he first went to Vrindavan, but when he got some inspiration from his Guru Prabhupad Bhakti Siddhanta Saraswati Thakur then he also took this position. Gurudev (Srila B.S. Govinda Dev-Goswami Maharaj) also did not want this position—Srila Sridhar Dev-Goswami Maharaj had told him to take this position a long time ago, but Gurudev had waited for thirty(!) years.

I heard once Gurudev had a fight with Param Guru Maharaj, and I asked Gurudev, "Gurudev, why did you one day fight with your Guru Maharaj?" I was not shy, I was not afraid to ask it, and Gurudev explained it to me. He said: Guru Maharaj had waited for thirty years to give this chair to me, and one day when he said I had to take this position I became very angry because I knew if he had given the chair to me he would disappear. No disciple wants their Gurudev to disappear. Guru Maharaj asked Gurudev, "Will you take this chair?" Gurudev said, "No, I will not." Then Guru Maharaj finally said, "I will commit suicide! If you do not take this chair, I will commit suicide and you will be the cause of my death, you will be guilty of it." Gurudev said he knew that if he had taken this chair, Guru Maharaj would leave soon. I also had never thought that my Guru Maharaj would leave so soon after December 2009—even one day before Gurudev left I never thought he would leave. Gurudev left on 27 March, and on 26 March I could not even think it could happen. He always said, "I will leave! I will leave very soon," but I had never thought he would go so soon, that he would not be available in this form of body so soon. It had never crossed my mind.

This is how Gurudev gave this chair to me and I have to keep it, that is why I want mercy from you all...


— : • : —




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