"I Want to Forget"

His Divine Grace
Srila Bhakti Nirmal Acharya Maharaj,
Sri Nabadwip Dham
30 March 2010, part 3


I am telling to you all, to all our godbrothers, godsisters—you can chastise me also. Gurudev chastised me, then you can also chastise me. I will not be angry. Gurudev used to chastise me before, but who will chastise me now?

I am always thinking... You know I have not been able to sleep since Friday. I always keep waking up, three-four times during the night, and I am always thinking. I fall asleep and then in half an hour I again wake up, and I start thinking about Gurudev's words... I look at my watch, it is 1:30, sometimes 2:30, 3:30. I cannot sleep. I do not know when sleep will come or what will happen...

I keep thinking about Gurudev, I keep thinking about what happened from Friday to Saturday morning and I feel I cannot understand it. That is why I want to go somewhere—like, Bamunpara, crops field, etc. I want to get some relief. When I am sitting in the office, I get some relief, but as soon as I go to my room, I again start remembering everything. I want someone to come to me so that I could talk to them, so that I could forget a little about it, because when I am alone, then again Gurudev's words and what has happened comes to my mind, at least when I talk, some memories go away. That is why I went to Bamunpara and crops fields today—I am thinking I want to forget it, but I cannot... It is impossible to forget this. Such is my situation.

Anyhow, it is prasadam time now, we should finish. Please forgive my offence.

I remember one time a devotee from a Gaudiya Math came here with an invitation for Gurudev. He first saw me—I was sitting downstairs in a small office. At that time this Centenary building was not there, and there was a small office in the nat mandir, a sitting office, without chairs (now that room is broken). So, I was sitting in that office and the devotee came to me saying he wanted to give invitation to Gurudev, and he insisted that he wanted to give it directly to Gurudev. I told him, "OK, you can go." That devotee did not even know the name of our temple—he wrote 'Sri Chaitanya Saraswata Gaudiya Math.' When Gurudev saw it, he said, "What?! We are not qualified to be Gaudiya! We still have not been able to become Gaudiya! We are Chaitanya Saraswat Math." I remember this... Gurudev said that we cannot be even qualified to be called Gaudiya. That was 1994-1995.

Jay Om Vishnupad Srila Bhakti Sundar Govinda Dev-Goswami Maharaj ki jay
All the assembled devotees ki jay
Harinam sankirtan ki jay



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