"Everything Plunged Into Darkness"

His Divine Grace Om Vishnupad
Srila Bhakti Nirmal Acharya Maharaj
Disappearance festival of Srila Govinda Maharaj
Siliguri, 24 April 2021, part 2
Translated from Bengali

It is impossible for me, a fallen soul, to glorify Srila Gurudev. I have no quality, no qualification to glorify him. Ten million mouths, ten million tongues are not sufficient to chant Gurudev's glorification, then how is it possible for somebody like me, a mere fallen soul, to glorify him?

Gurudev is always with us. I see all the time that Gurudev always takes care of us, Gurudev always protects me. In danger or at any other times, whatever the situation may be, I always take shelter of Gurudev and Gurudev keeps and sustains me with his mercy.

I could not understand it before, but when Gurudev left this world, I felt I had an umbrella over my head and now that umbrella was gone... A banyan tree gives shade to everybody, and Gurudev is like a banyan tree—he sheltered me from everything. In the shade of his lotus feet, you do not feel any pain or disturbance. Those who have a little relationship with Gurudev, can feel what is called separation—only they can understand what the agonising pain of separation is, how painful it is. Only those who feel that separation can understand it...

I came to Gurudev's lotus feet in 1991-1992, and since that time I have only been trying to fulfil his order, to serve him. I tried to follow Gurudev's instruction as much as it is within my capacity. I do not know to what extent I fulfilled his desire, but Gurudev tolerated me so much. Many times I did something that was not to his liking, and Gurudev would chastise me a lot—I liked his chastisement very much. Gurudev always said, "If I chastise everybody, they will run away from me. There is only one person who I can chastise," and he mentioned my name. He said, "I can chastise only Acharya Maharaj because I know he will always stay with me, he will never leave me." Gurudev always said that.

I always spoke to Gurudev about all happy and all sad things. I would come to him at 2-3 o'clock in the morning. Sometimes he would call me at night, at 2:30-3 o'clock, and I would immediately run to him—even if I was sleeping in a gumcha, if Gurudev called me, I would immediately go to him. I never thought to take time to put on a dhoti and a shirt—I rushed as I was, in a simple gumcha. And Gurudev took me for his own... "Janakadhika-vatsala-snigdha-padam." I have got so much affection from Gurudev—his affection was so much more than what I even did not get from my father or mother... When Gurudev left this world, I thought, "Now there is no one left in this world who will chastise me." I always spoke to Gurudev heart to heart, I told him about all happy and unhappy things, and when Gurudev left this world, I could not understand anything—what was going on, what was going to happen, everything plunged into darkness for me... I thought, "I am alone!" I became alone, but then so many foreign devotees came to me and always stay with me, and I gradually thought, "I am not alone any more. I will carry on and spend my happy and unhappy days with them..."

Gurudev gave me many tasks, he gave me many service responsibilities, and he gave me many very difficult services, but I never said no to Gurudev, and I was successful in every single task by his mercy. Gurudev sent me for preaching in India, Gurudev also sent me abroad many times—I went together with him and alone also. Gurudev tested me if I would be able to go on my own or not, and it would be impossible to accomplish all this without his mercy. I succeeded only by the mercy of my Gurudev. Gurudev sent me to preach in Bengal, Gurudev sent me for rice collection, potato collection, and I succeeded by his mercy. Gurudev gave me very difficult services, so many hard decisions. Many years ago Gurudev gave me the responsibility of arranging Sri Nabadwip Dham parikrama (the main festival), I also arranged a big festival on Gurudev's appearance day, the appearance festival of Param Guru Maharaj Srila Sirdhar Dev-Goswami Maharaj. Gurudev gave me this responsibility and told me to take care of devotees. This is how I made so many guesthouses, I made Govinda Kunda, I made so many branches of Sri Chaitanya Saraswat Math. Gurudev gave all these tasks to me, and he was happy to watch me do it. I never shied away from any job.

Sometimes, Gurudev would get angry and tell me, "Get out from here!" I would get out, and in half an hour I could come back and say, "I need two lakhs rupees." Gurudev said, "I told you to get out!" and I said, "Yes, you have told me to get out, but you did not forbid me to come." This is how I always came back to Gurudev. I would always sit by Gurudev's side just like a baby calf sits by the side of its mother. When there was service, I would do it, and at all other times when Gurudev was in Nabadwip, I would sit quietly like a baby calf with its mother. I did not say anything or ask any question—I always sat and waited for his order or instruction like a chatak bird that always waits for a drop of rainwater...

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